Sunday, December 07, 2008

Dear diary
feeling disgusted by the information i get
i was told that his hands had always been on someone's waist
i mean, i can accept it sometimes, maybe back then
when i noe that his heart is with me
but now, thinking abt it, it seems like a betrayal
i mean i dun do it to my frens
my fren told me that he's not exactly an angel in clubs
i mean,i used to believe that he's been a good boy
what actually hppd?
doesnt he believe in faith and monogamy anymore?
does it mean that he want to have an open r/s all along?
or isit that he has a flirty mind and he cannot keep his **** to one person
he needs to share with many others out there?
but really..
i had a hard time trying to sleep last night
perhaps cos i noe i'm controlling myself not to contact him
and also partly cos i was thinking that he must be enjoying himself with some new guys
i am not even considering that it'll be a single guy
i'm considering GUYS..
i really hope that he keeps his hands to himself
i mean, why spoil ur reputation in the circle?
in this circle, reputation is really impt
i was still wishfully thinking that i'll spend a bomb on his Xmas prezie
i was actually looking at a Globe chair that will cost like 1K
but now, i think i shld forget abt it
i realise something
ever since he started working
he has neva wanted to care for me
he only dismissed me with some meals and that's abt it
i was looking at some forums
he bidded 100bucks for a braun buffel shoe bag
WTF?!
why do u even need that?
materialistic needs?
i hope i will get over him soon
it may hurt alot now
i noe i am in damn alot of pain
but i also hope that i'll become stronger
i need to up my market value
i need to tone myself
jogging and exercising
no more excuses
who cares if i'm ending work later.. i shld still do my exercising
Tan! yes that's another thing
i'll aim for that..
make myself look better
make him regret all that he has done to me
ultimately i noe that i have damn alot of feelings for him
but thinking abt all the cheated feelings, it just irks me to the max

 D.A.  flew at 10:43 PM

Dear Diary
i've decided that i shld stop bothering him
in fact, i've decided that i shld stop giving him the joy knowing that there's someone who's so devoted to him and in a way boosting his ego
i noe it's painful
actually typing it here is better in a way
i no longer need to type to a profile that will never reply to me
i dun've to keep thinking that why he doesnt reply
at least when i type it here, i know he will never get to read it and i'll not have the tot of getting a reply
i wun think of how he responded when he read what i said
actually the last 3 wks plus has been nothing but a torture
today is one month after our 2 yr anniversary
if we were together, there will be so many things to do..
but now, it's just nothing
perhaps he is just preparing to go clubbing
queuing at the most popular aj club waiting to cuddle and rub shoulders with the many cuties there
actually i noe that i love him more than he loves me
it's not a healthy thing
there are many times when i feel that he made me special
i dun want to think too much already
my frens told me
he doesnt want to settle down w me
cos to him, he's young and adventurous
there are so much to explore outside
he's unlike me
ppl ard me are getting married and settling down
to me, i want to settle down w one person too
even though i noe that it's not gg to be accepted, but as long as we both love each other, it doesnt matter
but he's not at that phase yet
when he eventually reach that phase.. i wun be ard for him anymore
sometimes i wonder
can feelings really be disrupted like that?
can feelings really just disappear?
when death occurs, it doesnt just disappear too
the feelings and emotions linger on
like when he experience death in his family, the feelings doesnt disappear
it's like what is hppning to me now
i'm grieving
when it is suddenly lost, u cannot expect me to revert back to normal straight away
u urself want to be in loving memories of that special someone
don't u think i want to be in the same situation too?
p/s:
i still love him
but i noe i've to let go
he's a free bird. he needs to go and lavish in his youth
fuck ard and get to noe that sometimes feelings are very impt
sex without love is nothing but just frivolous sex
ultimately u will just hurt urself
i dun want to see that hppning to u
but i noe it'll be inevitable

 D.A.  flew at 5:35 AM